W42ST Daily 8/10/2020

“Ruth Walker!” The voicemail message begins brightly. “What a darling, charming voice, even on voicemail.”

The gentleman caller does not leave his name, but continues: “It’s been so long since we talked. I hope all is well. Just wanted to say hello and, more pointedly. I’m going to the beach. I’d love for you to join me.”

The voice is familiar, but not the number. Who is this sweet-sounding man inviting me to the beach?

“Let’s talk soon,” he adds. “Bye.”

I contort my thoughts, trying to grasp some sense of recognition from this random message, reaching into the depths of my memory but coming up blank. And anyway, who doesn’t leave their name on a voicemail?

“Remember me?” another text asks, coquettishly. How could I forget? You’re the one who sent me several unsolicited dick picks/ghosted me after the three-hour FaceTime date/insert other dating misdemeanor. 

The last few months have been a romantic desert for many of us. But the warm weather and the relaxation of quarantine rules are tempting old lovers out of hibernation. It’s the post-COVID zombie apocalypse. 

It could be worse. Just when I think my love life is rubbish, I consider my roommate, who woke up the other morning spooning an empty trash bag. True story.

Happy Monday, friends. Whether you share your bed with another human, an inanimate object, or joyously starfish in glorious solitude, may you know you are loved. 

The New York Health Department informs us: “You are your safest sex partner” – from both disease and heartbreak. 

“Be creative with sexual positions and physical barriers like walls,” it adds, “that allow sexual contact while preventing close face to face contact.” 

So if the city can participate in such a refreshingly honest dialogue with the public about masturbation and glory holes, reasons Jamie Valentino, isn’t it time we indulge ourselves with the same freedom? This is the story about how he learned to love himself a little bit more. 

My new Instagram crush = Michael J Berry. His Moira Rose QuaranTeaTime videos are absolute genius. Even if you have just a passing familiarity with Schitt’s Creek, he’ll help you smile through the crazy of 2020.

This amazing hyperlapse video uses pictures of NYC to great effect.  

A US district is banning pajamas in the virtual classroom. Get dressed, kids! 

Look up this week and you may catch a glimpse of a dazzling light show.

As travelers steer clear of public transit, car registrations are on the rise.