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BY KRISTEN JONGEN
Welp! I had hope, folks. I really did. I thought that perhaps this seismic worldwide pandemic might turn the Titanic of online dating around. I, like you, have been distraught. I, like you, have been holed up in my apartment. I, like you, have had other things on my mind. However, I, like or unlike you, am still single. Living alone, during an in-home order, will emphasize how very uncoupled one is.
I have a colleague pursuing relationships through FaceTime, Bumble dates. COVID, be damned! She is relentless.
So I said to myself: “Self, maybe things have changed. Maybe people have come to their senses and will want to get to know each other again.”
Part of my middle-aged due diligence is to stay woke. I may not understand the return of shoulder pads, but rest assured terms like breadcrumbing, shelving, zombie-ing, and ghosting are experiences with which I am familiar. The kids tell me cushioning, firedooring, and haunting are the latest fashionable practices in which we digitally grind each other to dust.
These experiences can be brutal. Have you been firedoored? Have you!?
I hoped that dignity had returned to the online dating scene. I sent a friend in to test the water. She said it is WORSE THAN EVER! One can barely get a hello in before a fella sends an invitation to copulate virtually.
Enough is enough! My disgust is a moot point, so in the spirit of positive reinforcement, I have invented a dating dictionary that will celebrate the “unicorns” who are honorable human beings, or at the very least, not perverts or idiots.
I have gotten this far:
The tense period between initial contact and a first date, when a woman is hoping the man doesn’t ruin everything by sending an unsolicited dick pic or lewd sext before they meet in person.
Kristen: How’s it going with Brendan?
Talisa: Girl, we are riding out twilight.
The exhale immediately following twilight.
Talisa: OMG, we made it till dawn!
Kristen: Sweet baby Jesus, it’s a Christmas miracle.
The self-awareness that you are the one playing games.
Jesse: I re-read my text and had to check myself; total boomerang moment.
A verb for a date who asks you about yourself, and actually listens to the answers.
Liz: Girl, James was conch shellin’. I think I’m in love.
A term for sure footing; when one stops obsessively worrying.
Robert: Things are good; we are in tranquil territory.
A person who shows up looking better than their profile picture.
Carrie: I was worried, but Jeff is an April blossom.
A single person who is 100% available to date with no loose ends.
John: How was your date last night?
Joe: Good, he was present; a legitimate atom.
An equitable relationship (professional/platonic/romantic) that is approaching with equal and opposing force.
Jennifer: Girl, Wayne, and I have Newton’s Theory vibes.
A person with a global overview; one who can see the bigger picture.
Ruth: Farnsworth seems like a nice guy.
Kristen: Yes! He’s refreshing. He has a macro view. He wears a face mask.
This is all I have. To push things forward, I need your help. There are no individual heroes in 2020. One thing this quarantine has taught us is that we must work together. If you are in this mess with me, PLEASE provide your humor and suggestions on my FB page KristenJongen Or email: firstname.lastname@example.org – I will keep a running list of definitions and post them as we go!
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