Valentine’s Day is but a month away, and maybe you’re feeling less than enthused at the prospect of seeing people’s overly performative Instagram posts about how pristine their relationship is. Rather than chuck your phone into the Hudson, channel your rage into a more fulfilling (and philanthropic) opportunity by donating to the Bronx Zoo — who for $15, will let you name one of their Madagascar hissing cockroaches after anyone you’d like (may we suggest the date who never called you again?!). 

Say it with a roach, thanks to the Bronx Zoo.

The Name A Roach package includes a handy certificate decreeing your roach’s given name for all the world (and maybe, social media?!) to see. By upgrading to a $35 donation, you can add on a roach beanie or a pair of roach socks, and for $60, you’ll receive a certificate/beanie or certificate/sock package along with a live, virtual meetup with your ex (er, we mean roach). Bronx Zoo experts will let you meet your roach, chat through the fast facts on caring for the creature, and may even bring a special surprise guest — maybe it’s your therapist, telling you that it’s ok to let go!!

We should note that none of the packages include a shipment of live roaches (after all, maybe we have enough of them in our charming, pre-war apartments…). If you’re really dedicated to visiting your roach IRL, make a trip to the Bronx Zoo (2300 Southern Boulevard, Bronx) where you can find the Madagascar hissing roaches among 6,000 other species living there. And if you’re trying to get back out there this winter, the Zoo makes a delightful, outdoor, Omicron-friendly date spot, complete with surprisingly tasty hot chocolate.

If you’re trying to take a more zen stance toward your romantic past, it’s not at all necessary to name the roach after your ex. Some fans of the zoo’s offering make it a yearly tradition to dedicate a roach to those who they do love. Says self-proclaimed satisfied roach namer and lover of romance Susie, “Naming a Roach is a Valentine’s tradition for us. Roses and chocolates come and go, but roaches last an eternity — just like our love!”

If you do choose to purchase the entire roach package (for purposes romantic or vengeful), be sure to note that there are no changes or cancellations and you must keep your virtual date — don’t stand up your roach, or the roach may name someone after you next Valentine’s Day. 

And remember, if you’re struggling to find the perfect VDay gift, as the Bronx Zoo says: “You don’t always have the right words, but you can still give them goosebumps. Name a Roach for your Valentine, because roaches are forever.”

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